To Float or Not to Float

Imagine if you will…you are on the beach at sunset. The sky is a hundred shades of purple and pink, the sun has already passed below the horizon. There are no waves on the ocean tonight, just calm moving water and you decide to wade out into the sea. The sand melts between your toes and the water is clear and warm. Your arms gently swing in the water and you slowly continue until the point where if you take one more step, you will not be able to feel the sand beneath your feet. You’ll have to swim. Decision time. Keep going and let your toes lift off from what feels solid and secure? Or turn back to shallow water. Let the mystery pull you away from the safety of the shore in the spirit of exploration? Or decline the invitation and deny yourself the chance to discover what you’re made of, who you truly are.

And this is where I am. Stuck, trying to make that decision. My toes are just desperately stretching to scrape the sand at the bottom. Throat clenched. Eyes sharp. Chest tight. I’m barely able to get a full breath. There is just no way I can let myself float. And yet, it is impossible to go backwards. This is where I am. And it isn’t a blast.

On the outside, I don’t think I look like someone who likes control. I don’t like precision and I don’t like rules. I have dreadlocks because I love how naturally messy they look and plus, I don’t have to do my hair. My house is “eclectic” and I’m a little “curvy.” You can also tell by looking at my filthy Suburban and wild weedy garden that my life is not orderly.

However….I can’t seem to truly float in the mystery.

It is the middle of June, my favorite month and my favorite season. My birthday is June 1 and each year, I feel like it is the beginning of all good things. The best birthday present is getting my kids back to myself after the May-Mayhem of finals and field days, concerts and carnivals, graduations, recitals, parties and AP tests. Summer Break!

The kids and I usually start our summer planning with color-coded charts of project-to-do’s, day-trip-to-do’s, chill-out-to-do’s, cooking-to-do’s, wish-to-do’s and big-to-do’s for the three short and precious months that we get together.

David usually includes golf, biking and camping. Lydia always wants to be at the barn as much as possible and sweet Annika would just love it if someone, anyone would play with her. We schedule in their instrument practicing and lessons. They fit in their daily laps at the pool and if someone wants to throw in tennis camp or pottery classes, we’ll figure it out! Our big family vacation is planned and we all add our leftover money to the “Vacation Jar” to see how much we can save. (Last year it was about $37.)

Down-time is mixed in and usually consists of taking the dog to the Bark Park or packing up a picnic or having a movie-marathon on a rainy day. We discuss whether we should have an entire day of chores once a week or if we should just do one chore a day, every day. Some years I even made cute little coupons for extra screen time for positive attitudes or ice cream vouchers for a day without bickering.

You get the idea. It’s basically the best summer, every summer, at the Beck’s house. Clearly, this is a result of my expert planning and genius ideas. And, oh, you guys, I impress myself with my creativity and yes, I’ve saved all of their summer lists, year after year. They’re. So. Flipping. Adorable.

Hi. My name is Gretchen and I’m a pathetic mom.

Welcome to 2018. David has his own car and spends $37 a day in gas. Lydia is part of the town skater group, excuse me: “sk8r group.” And Annika has talked me into hiring her friend’s nanny so that she could go hang out with them. Instead of me.

They refused to make their color-coded lists this year. yup! RE. FUSED.

Did you hear my heart break? Well, it did. It cracked in two. Because, now what!? Why didn’t anyone warn me that this would happen?! Why don’t people talk about shit like this?! “Well, one day Gretchen, you’ll be delighted to find that you’ve raised strong and independent children and your hard work will pay off and you’ll have more freedom and what a welcome blessing after being an at-home mom for 16 years, you’ll finally have your life back!”

um.

and.

yeah.

so….

I’ll be honest. I think I’ve felt this coming. It’s been brewing. I’ve just escaped it somehow, over and over. Because, well, because this hurts, a lot.

And let’s just call it what it is, why don’t we? I have a legitimate control problem. It’s pretty distressing and comes as quite a shock. But it is hard to ignore. Between our kids getting older, us getting older and John taking a surprise left-turn in his career, nothing feels normal this summer.

Who am I if I’m not John’s primary support sustaining his demanding career? Who am I if I’m not making color-coded-summer-charts? Who am I if my kids don’t need me the way they have for their whole lives? Who am I if I’m waving goodbye with my chubby little arm on the back porch as they all leave, rolling their eyes at me? Who am I if I have to hang out with myself all day?

What is all this “letting go” about anyway? I don’t get it. Is there a class I can take? It’s like I’m in a holding pattern, literally waiting for things to go back to normal. And really folks? On top of all of this, don’t forget there’s the whole “we have no paycheck coming in” situation.

And what do I hear out here in the world? Crickets. And they’re chirping, “nothing is for certain.”

Then I had a thought.

What if the ocean holds me? What if it’s comforting, enjoyable even? What if I feel free instead of fear? What if while floating uninhibited, I discover vast possibilities for this new stage of my life? I mean, I could also drown. Or get eaten by a shark. Obviously.

This is the whole “letting go” thing I guess. And the truth is, I want to let go and swim in the ocean. It’s just that I’d also like some help and maybe a guarantee. What’s out there for me, an at-home mom whose kids are getting so big. But I’ve lived small before, sitting on the shore and my dad still died and my mom is still sick and I still suffered through four miscarriages and John still walked away from his career.

Apparently there is no immunity for life happening the way life is supposed to happen, regardless of how strong your Control Muscle is. Can you Be Here with me as I learn how to flex my Trust Muscle?

A few notes about this week’s post. First: the ocean visualization comes from a guided meditation from Sarah Blondin on Insight Timer. I use that app every single freaking day. Second: I realize I might sound a tiny bit whiny, but I promise that I am not complaining and that I practice my AttitudeOfGratitude (gag)…but still, I’m incredibly annoyed. Third: this whole admission of my control issues is really new for me, expect to hear more about my realizations soon…it’s super fascinating. Lastly: by next week’s post I expect to be floating in the ocean, I’m gonna figure this out.