Life Jackets Do Float

So, I took a week off from blogging over the Fourth of July holiday. And yes. I am filled with guilt and self-loathing. Isn’t that just the way? Walking the tightrope of self-compassion and self-discipline. Actually, it’s more like walking that tightrope half-drunk in stilettos…you’re completely screwed. I know. I exaggerate. I have no idea what that would be like. But you guys, how do you ever really know if you’re taking care of yourself, or if you’re just being a loser.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a blast over the holiday and got to spend time drinking beer on a boat somewhere, celebrating summer and freedom. It’s a difficult time in the world right now (said just about everyone in every generation in every country since the beginning of time) and I’m not going to say anything political except to acknowledge that while reading the New York Times I really want to put my head through the window and make it all stop. It makes me feel conflicted to be an American, a new and super awkward feeling. So, I try to remain committed to daily positivity, even if that means I’m just nice to my kids for an hour. Let’s get some good vibrations going in this universe, people! Start small. Give your husband a hug. Donate something. Write an encouraging comment on the interwebs. Smile at that person that drives you bananas. And for Christ’s sake, vote.

Living in Minnesota, Land of (At Least) 10,000 Lakes, in a town directly on the St. Croix River, we are around water all the time. So lucky! We can see the mighty river from our house up on the South Hill. A quick 30 minute drive into Minneapolis and we can walk around Lake Calhoun or Lake Harriet. City lakes are pretty cool. One of the largest lakes in the world, Lake Superior, is a few hours north of us and we are heading up there in a couple of days for a marital rescue attempt…should be super-duper-great! If you haven’t been on the North Shore, trust me, it’s magical. And that is coming from someone who grew up in Massachusetts. It’s been said before and it will be said again, but water is Healing. Just looking at a body of water will help my shoulders drop out of my ears a little bit. My breathing will become smoother and deeper. And I’m so grateful. It means that I can very literally explore this concept of Floating in my day-to-day life.

Let’s back up a little and do a recap of the last two stories I wrote, because I have something crazy to tell you this week. You’ll need a bit of background I think.

“To Float or Not To Float” was a terrifying story about whether or not I should stay in the shallow end or if I am brave enough to venture into the deep end. I come to the frightening conclusion that there is absolutely no way I can go backwards and there is absolutely no way I can let go of the certainty of sand below my feet. At the end of that story, I fantasize that the water will actually hold me and carry me to amazing adventures. It’s a story about control and faith, essentially.

The next week, I wrote “Tanks Don’t Float” where I expose my inner childhood identity of The Tank, which was created by my subconscious, or my biological body, to protect me from a mother who struggles with mental illness. It’s where the real conflict of my life is currently happening. I want to Float, but I’m a Tank, so hence I’m having a mini-personal-crisis. And remember, if you will, that John is randomly and surprisingly unemployed, further testing this control and faith dilemma I find myself in.

Another topic that I raised, was all of the Cosmic Clues in my life recently. Here is a little example of what I mean by “Cosmic Clue.” Maybe you’ve heard of Martha Beck (sadly, no relation), or maybe not. She’s an author, a blogger and has a regular column in Oprah’s magazine. She wrote a book called “Finding Your North Star,” or something like that, about 15 years ago. It’s been on my To Read list for some time now. When John resigned from his job, completely out of the blue, back in May (you’ll remember how bonkers that was if you read “But, Money”), he had 500 Blue Bucks to spend as a result of some award he had gotten. He asked me to look at the website and pick something to “buy.” Lots of dumb stuff, but there were a ton of books, yay! I ran across Martha Beck’s book and ordered it, along with a fancy new grill tool set. None of this cost anything, remember? John had Blue Bucks from IBM. Ok? Not weird yet, right?

A week later, I’m getting into bed with my new “free” book by Martha Beck, excited to find my North Star. I open it. First page. First chapter. First LINE, says this: “Melvin worked as a middle manager at IBM, and a miserable middle manager Melvin made.”

Ok, aside from the adorable alliteration, IS THAT WEIRD OR WHAT!? This is a Cosmic Clue, people. John works for IBM for 23 years. He resigns. He has a random stupid bonus to spend. I choose a book I’ve been wanting to read. And the first line in the book is about a guy who’s unhappy at IBM.

By the way, I was so totally freaked out that I haven’t opened the book again since.

Cosmic Clues completely blow my mind.

Back to Floating.

The Tuesday after I published “Tanks Don’t Float,” I was writing in my journal in the morning around 6:00 am. Sometimes I write my prayers because I have such bad ADHD that I can’t stay focused if I just pray like a normal person. I write my prayers to “you guys” because, seriously, who even knows?! Plus, the more the merrier. I was particularly angry that morning and wrote: “OMG really, you guys?! Would someone just PLEASE throw me a round life preserver thingy-thing because don’t you see that I’m desperate here?!”

I get a little bossy in my prayers.

The very next day, Wednesday, John and I were in another “Please Save Our Marriage” appointment with our family therapist. (And when I say “family therapist,” I do mean that all five of us see her, regularly.) That morning I was whining about how on earth I am supposed to deal with all the uncertainty in my life that has recently popped up out of nowhere. And she told me a little story.

She pointed to a small painting on her office wall. It was a simple picture of two little kids in a canoe with an adult at the front, paddling. Her dad had given her the painting to remind her of a time that she and her brother were with him on the lake. On this particular boating trip, a storm started to rage while they were out in the middle of the lake and her dad had to quickly get them to shore. It was dark. It was windy. It was pouring rain. It was choppy. It was hard paddling. It was scary.

“But look,” she said, pointing to the two little lumps in the back of the boat, “my brother and I had our life jackets on, and as terrified as my dad was, he knew we would not die. We were cold, wet and scared, but we had our life jackets on. We would be ok.”

She continued, “Gretchen, writing is your life jacket. Put on your life jacket and you’ll be ok. It might get stormy. You might get hurt. You might be frightened. But you’ll be ok. Just keep writing.”

Ok. I was bawling then and I’m bawling now. I said, “Guess what I wrote in my journal yesterday. I wrote that I needed a round life preserver thingy-thing. You couldn’t have known that.”

Cosmic Clue.

The next day was Thursday and I had coffee with a writer friend that I see twice a month. Let’s call her Melissa. We were catching up on life and I told her about the floating and the water and the life jackets and various Cosmic Clues that keep happening to me.  She has the best laugh in the world and can always add some comfort to my chaos. Towards the end of our coffee date, she received a text from her husband. Let’s call him Max. She wasn’t expecting a text from him, but they have a child with special needs so she looked at it right away, just in case. With her big blue eyes, wide and crazy, she looked at me. I haven’t known Melissa for too long, but I know crazy-eyes when I see them.

“Look what Max just sent me, Gretchen, you’ll never believe it.”

She turned her phone towards me. Guess what it was.

You’ll never guess.

It was life jackets. Pictures of life jackets. A lot of life jackets.

Melissa and Max had just bought kayaks and needed new life jackets. He was at Dicks Sporting Goods because they were buy one and get one half-off (great deal!), and he just wanted to know what color life jacket she wanted. Blue. Or Red?

I’m sorry. The timing? The coincidences? Am I losing my mind, or is that just weird?!?!

Cosmic Clue.

Life jackets.

Life jackets are a comfort. They’ll save your life. It’s a must-have while on an adventure on the water. A life jacket provides protection when there is potential danger. I wish that right now I didn’t need to wear an imaginary life jacket every day, but as I see it, there are two alternatives:

1. No life jacket and drown.
2. No real life and drown anyway.

So, I guess I’m gonna put on my life jacket and swim into the ocean of real life. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know how to proceed. I don’t know what will happen. My kids are growing up. My job as a mom is in major transition. John grew a mountain-man beard and ended his career at IBM. My body is misbehaving and is totally unrecognizable. Our bank account is hemorrhaging. And I have a head full of dreadlocks. This Tank is gonna put on her life jacket and float in the ocean of uncertainty.