Arrogance Disguised as People Pleasing

Have you ever been labeled as a People Pleaser? What does that even mean? What kind of person comes to mind when you hear the phrase, “Oh, she’s such a People Pleaser”? It seems like maybe it used to be a compliment? But now it’s more of a criticism. Or at least, that’s how I’ve been experiencing it over the past couple of years.

I was first called a People Pleaser by my dear aunt, like maybe five years ago when I was going through some friendship issues. Even years before that, a good (and extremely honest and authentic) friend said, “Gretchen, you always make the person you’re with feel like they’re your very best friend…how do you do that?” It seems like that was sort of a “You’re a People Pleaser” accusation, disguised as a compliment, right? My therapist mentioned People Pleasing (or more accurately the external validation of self) after knowing me for approximately 35 minutes. Then there was the time last winter when we were at dinner as a family and we were all going around listing our all-time favorite meals on earth…and I didn’t have one. I knew what everyone else’s last meal would be, but when asked about mine? nothing. no idea. don’t even know what my favorite food is. Finally, my husband confirmed, just this summer, that I am, indeed, an actual literal legitimate psychotic People Pleaser. And I had no choice but to accept the label, because I was in the midst of a complete emotional breakdown after disappointing my siblings by cancelling our trip back home to Massachusetts.

But here’s the kicker. I’m skeptical. I don’t feel like a person who likes to please people. Like, I don’t admire People Pleasers, at all, so what in the actual?

Here’s what I don’t do: I don’t fall over myself trying to hand out compliments. I don’t volunteer for three thousand things a week. I don’t say “yes” when I really mean “no.” I don’t slink around all not wanting to be seen and let other people have the spotlight. I don’t often think of other people before I think of myself. I don’t coddle my children and protect them from all of the bad things on earth (just a few of the bad things, like Game of Thrones, omg, broke my heart, that show did and I’ll never be the same). I don’t let all the people in the grocery line go before me, even when they are literally trying to make eye contact with me while holding their toothpaste tube and tub of Tide. You guys, I’m really not that nice!

So you can imagine, in this season of soul-searching and identity-discovering, I was thrown by this People Pleaser label. But because I have a lot of time…because I’m Waiting I decided to dive into this and analyze this conundrum. Am I a People Pleaser? And if so, how can I knock it off? Because it sounds terrible.

Here’s what I think I do do that would fall into the category of People Pleasing. I withhold my opinion often. I adjust my humor level or adorable level depending on the person that I’m talking to. In other words, I’m trying to control the reaction that I get from my audience, so that it is always positive and reflects well on me. I let other people make all the decisions. I literally canNOT make a decision…the stress of disappointing someone is entirely too great. Also, I just naturally assume that when it comes to general life skills, other people know a hell of a lot more than I do, so I find myself comparing and finding that I come up short 99% of the time…so I let other people drive the bus. You know?

Here I am, trying to raise assertive and self-aware humans, that also happen to know how to be extremely kind. Which brings me to my next question. There isn’t anything wrong with being nice, is there? Plus, the desire to be loved and accepted is an innate human emotion, so there can’t be anything wrong with that, right? Well, no. Unless the need to please others becomes an unhealthy habit to the detriment of a person’s own strong sense of self.

So, I feel pretty conflicted and convicted.

I think I’m addicted to the admiration and approval of others. I think that I suppress my own emotions or opinions because who doesn’t love someone who is always accommodating? The problem is, I’m a chameleon then…completely losing my own sense of self because the need to please is greater than my own sense of worthiness. So, my value, instead, comes from this external person who just thinks I’m super swell! Which really means that I’m sorta proud of myself by being such a charming, flexible, agreeable and generally lovely (but also not genuine) person. Somewhere along the line, I bought into the belief that it is better to not have needs, desires, opinions, requests or demands (or an authentic personality), because that means everyone will always love you!

GROSS!

You guys, this means that I’m actually arrogant! I’m not being selfless by letting my BFF choose the place that we’ll meet even when I was just there yesterday! It means that I’m selfish in requiring her happiness to bolster my own self worth. How great does it feel to come to someone’s rescue?! How awesome is it when you solve someone’s problems!? How wonderful to bend over backwards to make someone else happy, even if it means you’ve possibly compromised your own heart?!

NOT COOL!

And here’s what happens over time. I start to resent people. I feel misunderstood. I feel like no one knows who I really am or what I really think. I have accommodated others to the point where I’ve lost myself. I don’t even know what my favorite food is, you guys! I don’t have an opinion about plans for a weekend with friends. It’s difficult to state an opinion when I’m unsure of the response. If I say something at all in public, I’m usually just trying to get approval in the form or a laugh or a smile or a compliment.

I have become disingenuous in an effort to feel worthy.

It seems innocuous, almost honorable to put others before myself. I think it maybe says that in the Bible somewhere? But I believe it also says to Love Yourself. I want to be a genuinely kind person, without losing myself in the process. I want to be a genuinely kind person for no other reason than out of love, instead of out of a dependence on someone else’s approval. 

So, I guess I’m beginning a Recovery of sorts. Hi. My name is Gretchen and I’m addicted to an unhealthy need to please others in order to boost my self-worth.

Unwittingly, I took a giant first step in my Recovery by getting dreadlocks. For sure not everyone loves them. In fact, I’ve gotten some harsh criticism. I know that my approval rating is higher than Trump’s, but probably not by much. And that is truly difficult for me. I used to have gorgeous, flowing, blonde hair. Thick, shiny and the envy of friends, family and even strangers. It was part of my identity. But I wanted dreadlocks, goddamnit! I don’t know why. I mean, I have reasons, but seriously, dreadlocks are pretty bizarre. What a risk! Especially considering my need to please.

But guess what. Somehow, from deep down, I know what is right for me right now. No one else does. In fact, I’m in the process of uncovering My-Me by looking inward and contemplating these questions. And today I realized that my arrogance has been disguised by my need to People Please. Oof. Not all discoveries are pleasant I guess.  

All I know now is that I can adjust my motivation for People Pleasing from fear that I won’t get external approval to bolster my own self, to instead please people authentically from my own strong sense of self. I can be both genuinely kind and genuinely My-Me, because Love is big enough for both.

Disclaimer: The honest truth is that the old People Pleasing Gretchen wrote this early last week and didn’t publish it because I heard that arrogant voice saying, “Hey, people may not like this little assessment you worked up here and you may not get eight million trillion likes.” But this week, I caught myself in that vicious cycle and instead I said, “I write for My-Me and for the sake of creation…if it resonates with someone out there, wonderful! But I don’t need anyone’s external approval to validate me and make me feel worthy.”  It’s a scary place to be and I’m happy you’re here with me. Much love to you all.